Fic: Liar Liar 1/2 (JR/Apolo, NC-17)
May. 9th, 2011 09:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cupcakegirlaTitle: Liar Liar
Pairing: JR Celski/Apolo Anton Ohno
Rating: NC-17
Summary: JR is an excellent liar. So good, even he believes the lies sometimes. But there is one person that can see right through him.
Notes: A plot bunny that would not go away until I wrote it. Thanks to D & C for encouraging me.
JR Celski is an excellent liar. He hadn’t started out that way. He vividly remembers being a little boy and getting into trouble for lying. Badly. He remembers his mother catching him with his hand in the cookie jar and trying futilely to lie his way out of it. He’d been spanked for the transgression and the lies. They’d been blatant after all. He’d been caught with chocolate on his hands and his mouth, sitting up high on the counter, and his hand literally inside the cookie jar. So retrospectively five swats on the ass had sort of been well deserved, and actually kind of a lenient sentence, all things considered. So he hadn’t always been a good liar. It was something that he had learned slowly, over the years.
He grew up with two older brothers. Chris and David were both good guys. Honest and hardworking. But they’d gotten into trouble a lot and both had adapted, learned, how to fib here and there to lessen their punishment. He was young and impressionable when the two of them had hit their teen-years one right after the other. There had been mistruths about missed curfews, and dings to the car’s paint. Arguments over who had broken this dish, or ate the last of that food, or made whichever mess.
Even JR’s parents had lied on occasion. They had never lied about anything really big. Never broken the law or anything like that. But they had lied. They’d told him if he kept making that face it’d freeze that way, that Santa and the Easter Bunny were in fact real, and that swimming was fun, not just good exercise. All lies. He had memories of his mother being nice to Mrs. Banks who lived across the street. She’d been a mean old lady, and JR knew his mother didn’t like her. But every time they passed each other in the supermarket Sue would smile and say hello, and on more than one occasion say something nice about her to a mutual friend. It had been better in Sue’s eyes to lie about liking someone than to be rude or mean.
So, JR had learned that lying had its uses, if done correctly, and for a good reason. JR learned how to lie and when. He doesn’t ever do it maliciously. Mostly he does it to keep the peace, or to not upset people. And sometimes to hide bits of himself he doesn’t want other people to see.
It’s at 12 that he starts to lie about liking girls. He doesn’t. Not really. Well he likes them as friends, as people to hang out with. But while all his friends are starting to notice a girls curves, and growing boobs, JR is noticing other things… about boys. He likes muscular legs, and butts, chests and arms. He won’t admit it, not to anyone but himself, that his first crush is shortly thereafter on Apolo Ohno. He doesn’t tell anyone though. He just pretends like he is just like everyone else. That’s where the lying comes in. He has a girlfriend at 13, another at 14.
So he grows to become a pretty good liar. He doesn’t do it all the time, but he does it often enough to get really really good at it. That it wasn’t hard anymore. No one ever doubts or questions him. At 14 he finally convinces his parents to let him move to Lakewood, to train with Wilma Boomstra. As he’s packing his bags to go, he lies about not being scared to go to so far away without his parents. He pretends for their benefit that he’s perfectly fine with the move, with leaving his friends and family behind and going down there with just Chris to start all over again. The truth is he’s scared shitless but he’s equally afraid that if he shows he’s scared he won’t get to go. Short track is what he wants, more than anything else. If he has to lie to his parents about how he’s feeling to get the training he needs, he’s willing to do that.
But, being away from his parents is much harder than he had imagined. Chris is great, he’s one of JR’s favorite people in the world, and one of his very favorite brothers, but he isn’t a parent. He makes JR do his own laundry, cook a large portion of his own meals, and keep his own schedule. He’s there in California, in the same apartment, but he’s busy with work and having a life of his own too. JR’s lonelier than he had thought he’d be. The training is amazing, exactly how he’d hoped it would be, but harder and more intense than he’d anticipated.
After over a year and a half in California, the load starts to get to be too heavy. The entire time his parents and Chris have carefully monitored how he is doing, trying to be sure he wasn’t taking on too much. But instead they see only what JR wants them to see. Yes he gets lonely, and yes he gets tired. But he’s doing good. He’s skating well, making progress, and winning races. He’s in the honors program at school, gets especially great grades, and hasn’t gotten into much trouble. He’s even made friends in California, in and out of the skating program. But it gets to just be too much to handle. A bad fall in Romania, and suddenly he’s in pain all the time, and there’s no time to take a break. No chance for it to heal, and JR won’t slow down. He adds Physical therapy to his schedule and keeps on going. It is two months later that he can’t keep up with it all. He’s exhausted. It’s too much balancing school, practice, therapy, and taking care of himself. He’s only 15 and eventually he can’t take it anymore. It’s too much pressure. Too much expectation. Everyone believes the lie, even JR had started to believe it, until it gets to the point where he just can’t keep it up any longer. That’s when he has to stop lying about how bad things really are.
The move home is hard. JR wants to go but he wants to stay. He’s made so much progress and he’s doing good in school and at the rink, but he misses his Mom and Dad. He misses the rain, and the green of Washington. The friends he’d had since preschool. And he hurts. Bad. All the time. He doesn’t want to leave Wilma’s training group. But in the end the homesickness, loneliness, and injury win and he moves back to Federal Way.
As soon as he moves home he wishes he hadn’t. It’s great to be back with his friends and family, being taken care of by his mom, and encouraged by his dad. He’s eating better, and back at his school with his old friends, but it’s like he’s out grown it all somehow. After a year away it chafes to be back at home with his parents. He’s got chores again, and a home life dictated by his parents. His Mom nags him about homework, and how late he stays up. His dad is on him about his curfew, and asks constantly where he’s going and when he’ll be back each time he leaves the house. For a year he’d lived with Chris in California, where he took care of himself, and made his own schedule. It’s hard to adjust to it again. And by the end of the first week he’s already longing for the freedom Lakewood had brought.
But he swallows that down. Because each time his mom walks into a room and sees JR sitting there her smile is huge and her eyes sparkle with happiness. JR feels guilty for even thinking it. He knows how hard it had been on the whole family to be split up emotionally and financially. He knows how much it would take to do it all over again, especially so soon after the move home. So he lies again. He tells his parents he’s so happy to be back. He tells them how much he missed them, which is true enough, and how he’s sure he’s made the right decision, which is an outright lie. Back home in Federal Way he has time to heal, to take the time for physical therapy. He’s not training while home. Just school, and family, and fixing the damage he’d done to his back.
That’s enough for a long time. But his back does heal, and he misses the speed of short track so much that it’s less than a year before he’s itching to go back. To appease his parents, he waits until the end of his Junior year to transfer back to California. This time his Dad moves with him. It’s kind of the best of both worlds. He’s got a parent with him, keeping him on track and watching his back, but he’s not being smothered. He’s back at his old school, back in training, back pursuing his dream and for a while JR has few reasons to lie.
He’s still “dating” girls from his school, but never anything serious. So he still lies about being gay. And he still pushes himself too hard and lies about that. He still misses home and his mom, and his brothers, and if not lying about it he definitely downplays how much and how often they’re all on his mind. But with the new balance in his life he feels like there’s not as much of himself that he needs to hide. He graduates from high school, and after a summer of training he finally makes the National team.
Moving to SLC is like moving into a whole new world. There’s no more school. No more parents. No more Coach Wilma. No more beach. No more friends. He’s really and truly alone for the very first time ever. His mom and dad call him every day the first few months to check on him. He always tells them he’s fine. Even when he’s not. He’s on the National team. He’s training against Apolo Anton Ohno every day he goes to the oval. He’s the youngest guy on the team, and everyone keeps looking at him like he’s the next big thing in short track. He lies when he says he’s not scared, not worried, or stressed out. He says it doesn’t bother him when people compare him to Apolo. When they compare their histories, and choices, and achievements. It seems like all that combined means that JR is destined to be just as successful and popular as Apolo has always been.
To compensate for the pressure of being forced into Apolo’s somewhat intimidating shadow, JR starts to pretend like it hasn’t happened at all. He tells people he doesn’t feel the pressure, that there’s no mantle he’s being required to pick up whether he wants it or not. That’s Apolo’s not someone he looks up too just because they’re from the same place. That he looks up to him just like every other young skater does. That it’s no different from how Kyle C and Kyle U, or Simon look up to Apolo. But it is different. JR knows it is. Because he remembers Apolo from when he was a little boy. Because they’d grown up in the same small suburb, skated in-line for the same team at the same rink. They’d started at the same age, for the same reasons. They were both half-Asian, and from Federal Way, WA. And if JR was being completely honest, and JR was rarely if ever completely honest, not even with himself, he’d admit that his first crush at the age of 12 on Apolo had never really gone away. He wants to be him almost as much as he wants to have him for his own. And why wouldn’t he? Apolo is famous, rich, and the best short track skater in USA history. He’s fast, and aggressive on the ice, charming and friendly off the ice. He has a great sense of humor and he shares a lot of JR’s interests and tastes. He’s also beautiful, and his body presses all the right triggers in JR’s head to get him hard in 30 seconds flat. JR’s never reacted so completely or so fast to anyone before. It’s a constant struggle to not let it show that first year. It’s made easier in that to Apolo, JR knows, he’s just a kid Apolo used to know. Competition and teammate and training partner but not necessarily friend.
His skills at diverting attention from himself blossom during that first year in SLC.
It’s easy to hide in plain sight with Jordan Malone around. He’s loud and boisterous and always laughing. It’s a simple matter of sitting behind him laughing at the foolishness. Jordan’s fun, it’s not hard or a burden to be friends with him. And Jordan always diverts attention away from JR, which he feels is always a plus. Add Simon and Travis to the mix, and JR doesn’t have to worry at all about people noticing him or questioning him. He’s the quiet one in the group. He joins in the fun, and the jokes, goes over to play videogames with the guys after practice, and he trains. That’s who he is in SLC, and JR likes it that way. He concentrates on becoming the best short track speed skater he can possibly be. And he succeeds. He makes the worlds team, he goes and wins medal after medal. And he’s happy.
But he doesn’t count on how observant Apolo is. That’s his one big mistake. He underestimates Apolo Anton Ohno. He should really know better.
Apolo Ohno understands the necessity for half truths and lies. He’s been a “celebrity” for 8 years now. He knows what it’s like to be hounded by the press, to have every aspect of your life, real and imagined, aired in the tabloids, and to have every move you make critiqued and speculated over. He understands the drive to keep your personal business personal and that sometimes that necessitates a lie or two, a little mistruth, or a coy smile. He also appreciates that saying every dumb thought that comes into your head in front of the whole world is not only stupid but also counterproductive. So yes, he gets it, the need for lying and deception, especially in places like LA, where everyone seems to have an angle, or in any situation where cameras are involved. He understands. He really does. But that doesn’t mean he has to like it. For Apolo there is his public life and his private life, and in his private life he works to keep things real. Because he’s so high profile, he has to be careful about who he lets into his private circle and who is relegated to the public one. And ever since the Torino Games, and the explosion of popularity that came along with Dancing With The Stars right afterward, the number of new people he’s let into his private circle has been shrinking with each passing year.
At first he has no idea what to do about JR.
JR, Apolo thinks, is an anomaly. Apolo’s pretty good at reading people. It’s part of why he’s such a great competitor. He can read his opponents like a book. A lot of that is instinct, but part of it is practice. He’s a people watcher, and he likes to study his opponents, to try and figure out how their minds work, and how to read what they’re thinking and planning in the lines of their bodies during a race. There’s no time in short track to study someone’s facial expressions and try and figure them out that way. So he learns to study the tenseness of a shoulder, the jerk of a hand, or nod of a head. But JR… JR is strange.
Apolo hears about him before he meets him. The kids racking up medals at Junior events are usually something he tries to pay at least minimal attention too. He’s been through 3 generations of Korean skaters already, so he is acutely aware that there are younger USA skaters moving up behind the older more experienced ones, set to replace them at the first opportunity. He’d once been one of them himself. And it’s good to know what competition you’re facing at home, not just internationally. He doesn’t recognize JR and his name at first. Celski isn’t so uncommon a name as to automatically peak Apolo’s interest. It sounds familiar, but he doesn’t place it right away. He hears about the medal count and skills first. And in his head, Apolo starts to formulate a picture of who this kid must be. Smart, quick witted, confident, and cocky are all part of the idea starting to form in his head.
It’s Jimmy who jogs his memory. He stops Apolo after practice one day in early 2008. He’s smiling and shaking his head.
“Is that the secret to your success? Something they feed you up in Washington? Something in the water?” he asks. Apolo looks at him in confusion and Jimmy laughs. He holds out a CD case with a home burned disc inside.
“What are you talking about, Jimmy? What is this?” he asks.
“I’m hoping he’s our next YOU!” Jimmy laughs. Apolo frowns, looking at the disk. “JR Celski, 17, Federal Way, WA – Boomstra” is written across it in dark blue Sharpie. Jimmy’s still laughing as he turns and walks away.
Apolo takes the disc home with him. He watches it all the way through, then again and again. The kid is good, remarkable really. He’s focused, determined, and completely calm. He’s hard as hell to read. There’s no cockiness to be seen, no haughtiness. It’s footage from the last few Junior Nationals, and the previous months Junior World Championships. Apolo keeps watching it over and over again. One race after another after another. It’s on the third run through that it all clicks in Apolo’s head. At the end of one of the races JR skates over to the wall and waves at two people in the crowd, who jump and wave back. Apolo knows their faces.
Bob and Sue Celski were always great to Apolo. He remembers them fondly from his adolescent years, the last few right before he switched over to ice from inline. He’d been on the same team as their two oldest sons. Chris and David hadn’t been close friends, but they’d hung out a few times, and their family had always been around during practices and competitions. Apolo remembers Sue having made exceptional white chocolate walnut cookies. His eyes go a little wide when he realizes who JR is. It’s hard to reconcile the timid 3 year old he’d first met with the confident teenager he’s just watched race on his computer screen. But when Apolo searches his memory he’s able to recall JR’s face. Brown eyes, brown hair, the dimples. He remembers watching JR race just once on inline. He’d gotten to the competition early, one of the last ones he’d done before dedicating himself to ice, and had caught the “baby races” as the older kids often called them. The 4 and 5 year olds always raced on a half rink, all wearing skates and helmets that seemed way too big for their tiny bodies. Apolo had been bored waiting for his own age group to get called up and had wandered over to watch the little kids compete. He’d been blown away by the winner of the 3rd five year old boy race. JR had skated like he was born for it. He was eager and competitive even at just five years old. He’d also been wickedly fast. Apolo vividly remembers the joy that had shown in his little face as he raced and won that first time. Apolo at 13, had smiled and cheered for him, watching him skate over to his parents for hugs and congratulations. Apolo can easily see that same talent and enthusiasm in the races on the disc. JR, it seems, had grown up, but he hadn’t changed all that much in the process. He was still talented, still wickedly fast, and still competitive.
Apolo keeps the disc, and when Jimmy asks him about JR the next day, Apolo has an answer ready for him.
“He has potential. He seems like a natural, but he needs to work on his starts, and sometimes he looks scared to pass the guys in front of him. But he could be really good. You thinking the Vancouver team?” he asks, stretching his leg up behind him, and pulling upward on his foot. Jimmy nods.
“All true. But I don’t think it’ll take him that long to get on the National team. He turns 18 next summer. I imagine we could see him here in Salt Lake as early as next fall.” Apolo startles at the information and nearly falls over. “Apolo? You ok?” Jimmy asks reaching out to steady him. Apolo releases his leg to stand straight again.
“Yeah, I’m fine. He’ll be 18 already?” he asks. Jimmy nods, still looking concerned. Apolo laughs. “I didn’t realize it had been that long,” he says.
“Apolo, what are you talking about?” Jimmy asks. Apolo smiles brightly.
“I knew him when he was little,” Apolo explains. “I used to skate inline on the same team as his big brothers, Chris and David.”
“Really?” Jimmy asks. “No wonder he lists you as the reason he started. You’re the hometown favorite.” Jimmy walks away laughing again.
Apolo watches him go, shaking his head, and feeling strange. He’d heard it a thousand times it seems since he’d first gone to the Olympics. “I started short track because of you!” It has become a common thing to hear from young skaters just starting out. But this time it seems more real. He’s known JR since he was a little kid. It’s strange to think that JR started because of him. It means more somehow than when it’s a random stranger saying it.
Apolo watches the disc at least once every night for the next few days, and repeatedly over the next few months, on average once or twice a week. Then the following fall JR skates in his first ever American Cup. He finishes 3rd, and earns a spot on the World Cup team. Apolo doesn’t compete. He spends the week in Marquette training. He’d won World Champion the previous spring and had automatically qualified for the team. JR qualifies third behind Jeff Simon and Anthony Lobello. Though he doesn’t compete with the National team until World Cups 5 and 6 the following year, JR moves to SLC just a few weeks after making the U.S. National Team.
Suddenly Apolo is faced with JR Celski live and in person, every single day. It’s a bit hard to adjust too, really.
JR is nothing like Apolo has imagined. Apolo has spent hours upon hours watching the disc. He’s built him up in his head to be a person Apolo could respect if not particularly like. But JR is not cocky or full of himself, or even all that self-confident. He skates with determination, but he’s not aggressive enough, especially not when faced with the national team members. He’s actually kind of shy, reserved. It’s strange how unlike Apolo he really is. Apolo was half expecting JR to show up and be some over the top Mini!Apolo, but he isn’t. Not at all.
JR is quiet. Apolo notices it the first week, the first day even. At first he thinks it’s intimidation, or age, or moving away by himself so young. But it doesn’t go away. Three months in and JR has found a niche. He hangs out with Jordan and Simon primarily, and with Travis when the older man isn’t too wrapped up in his new romance with Aly. He has found a place amongst the chaos of the Oval and has adapted well.
JR’s reactions to Apolo are at times telling and most of the time strange. For the first week JR freezes up each time he comes within 10 feet of Apolo. He tries to keep someone else between them at all times. He stays two mats away during dryland, and at least 1/3 of a lap behind Apolo during ice training. The first time Apolo tries to talk to him, JR’s eyes had gotten real big, and his face had flushed. Then the strangest thing had happened. He’d straightened his shoulders, lifted his chin, and smiled at Apolo like he wasn’t nervous at all. He’d held out a hand and introduced himself. Apolo had watched him curiously for the rest of the day, confused by the contradictions.
JR continues to skate Junior events for the rest of the season, competing in his first two world cups with the National team and medaling twice. He’s good, and he’s getting better and better. At 2009 World Championships a month later, it’s like all of the sudden JR finds his stride, medaling 5 times, more than Apolo does. And Apolo remains fascinated by him. Here’s this kid who lists Apolo as one of his main reasons for switching to ice, who shares so much in common with Apolo, down to even his taste in music, and he barely talks to Apolo at all. It’s Apolo who almost always initiates a conversation. And while Apolo tries not to be too cocky in his own dealing with younger skaters, it kind of freaks him out that JR isn’t acting like they normally do. He’s not following Apolo around, trying to catch his attention. He’s not asking him a thousand questions a day. He’s not asking if they can hang out later. He doesn’t blush and start to giggle when Apolo tells him he’s done a good job, or offers encouragement. It just doesn’t gel in Apolo’s head. If he’s JR’s skating idol, which JR has admitted in several interviews, than why doesn’t he seem to want to have anything to do with Apolo? It’s something that should stop Apolo from counting JR among his private circle. But JR’s a teammate if nothing else, and Apolo can’t see him as something outside of their little skating community. JR is confusing at best, and contradictory at worst.
To be honest, and Apolo is always nothing but honest with himself, it makes him even more interested in trying to figure JR out. Apolo backs off from trying to get to know him better until the end of the season. Instead he starts watching JR more. He’s known for being quiet and observant when the mood strikes him, and he’s not overly obvious about it, so JR doesn’t seem to catch on. But Apolo does start to notice some peculiar things about the younger man.
For instance: JR takes a joke better than anyone Apolo’s ever known. To be friends with Jordan Malone you have to have a pretty raunchy sense of humor, and if not that, the patience and the ability to not let Maloney’s drive you nuts. Jordan can be over the top, even taking things a bit too far sometimes. And a lot of the time his humor and jokes are directed at his friends. He doesn’t let anything embarrassing slide by without comment. JR however never gets upset. He takes the jibes and the teasing with a smile and a tilt of the head, and sometimes a roll of the eyes. But he never says anything back in anger or frustration. He never loses his temper, or complains. He doesn’t snap at Jordan, or tell him to knock it off. He just takes it with a smile. Instead JR usually diverts Jordan’s attention to something else soon after. It’s always subtle, but he manages to get Jordan to refocus on something that isn’t JR within just a few minutes. It’s masterful really. But it’s JR’s physical reaction that gives him away to Apolo. It takes a bit of careful study before Apolo catches JR’s tells. There’s a tightening in JR’s shoulders, a straightening in JR’s back. He smiles, but it fades faster than normal and it doesn’t quite spread as wide or full across his face. He’s genuinely bothered by what Jordan has said, but he doesn’t let Jordan, or anyone else see it. Apolo wonders if anyone else, besides himself has ever noticed.
Once Apolo has spotted this first quirk of JR’s it’s like he suddenly can’t STOP noticing them. One after another.
JR professes to like any and all types of music. Sure he has his favorites, but he refuses to “dislike” a genre of music no matter what. But he really, Apolo has decided, hates country music. Well not ALL country music. JR seems to favor the more rock or even pop-like country songs. But Apolo’s watched him when it’s Ryan’s turn to pick the music to play during a dryland session and honky-tonk country starts wailing out of the stereo system. While the rest of the team groans and moans and whines about the choice of music, JR just grins at Ryan, who always looks vaguely hurt at the group reaction, and goes back to stretching out his hamstrings. But Apolo watches the muscles in his back get tighter and tighter instead of loosening and relaxing as they’re supposed too. JR always skates badly on those days. Apolo knows it’s the music that’s the culprit.
JR hates mushrooms. Once a month Apolo and the team sneak off for a clandestine dinner of smuggled pizza and real soda and/or beer. It’s their one luxury in the year leading into the Olympics Games. JR gets dragged along by Jordan for the first time after World Championships. He’s a real member of the National team now. He’d done them all proud in Austria and earned the right to indulge with the rest of them. But Jordan, in typical Jordan fashion, gets there late. They hold their “non-existent” pizza party at a different place each time to avoid being caught and it’s at Travis’s place the first time that JR comes along. By the time they get there most of the pizza has been divided up. All that is really left is three pieces of the olive/mushroom/tomato/pineapple concoction that Katherine always makes them get. Apolo secretly suspects she gets it because she knows few others would want any and that meant more pizza for her. There are also two full pieces of sausage and pepperoni with green pepper, but that’s it. Jordan of course claims seniority and snatches up the meaty pizza. JR accepts two slices of the Reutter Special from her with a smile and a thank you. While everyone is munching, gossiping, and moaning in cheesy greasy ecstasy, JR eats slowly. He’s even quieter than normal, and Apolo watches him nondescriptly picking small brown lumps out of his pizza and hiding them in his napkin.
One month later and JR gets there last again, held after practice by Jimmy for some small, probably trivial, matter. When he shows up he finds that again the only pizza left is Kat’s. Apolo, stretched out on the end of his own leather couch chewing on a piece of heavenly good veggie lovers pizza, watches the muscles in JR’s jaw twitch for just a second and his back goes kind of stiff. But he smiles and says thanks and slumps down on the other end of the couch to once more start picking out the mushrooms.
Apolo wonders what it must be like to never show when you dislike something, to always be polite, and to never cause trouble. The more he starts to understand JR, the more he starts to worry about the younger man.
The rest of the summer passes quickly. Training picks up, goals are set and reached and reset, and Apolo’s focus turns more and more with each passing day to Vancouver. But he can’t stop paying attention to JR. He can’t get away from him really. He’s at every practice, and every official workout. Apolo just keeps noticing him and he just keeps picking up on more little cues that things aren’t right with JR.
Apolo isn’t nervous at Olympic Trials. It’s his fourth time he’s gone to Olympic trials, and he’d made the team three times. He’s more physically fit and ready than ever before and he goes in still ranked number one in the US. He’s not worried about making the team. Instead he goes in eager to see which of the guys will be going with him. It’s close for the first few days. The only member of the team Apolo’s not worried about is JR, who is kicking ass and taking names. Apolo even starts to get a bit nervous that he might be usurped by the kid when tragedy strikes.
In the 500 semi-final JR takes the turn too wide and his skate slips. For Apolo, waiting in the heat box to race in the next semi, it’s like the next 60 seconds happens in slow motion. He watches JR slide across the ice, hitting the wall face first, knees bent. Apolo knows it’s going to be bad even before he hits, legs twisted, bouncing off the pads and sliding out into the middle of the track on his hip. JR sits up, reaching down, and all Apolo can see is red; red on the ice, on JR’s hands, on his suit, and on his skate blade. It’s everywhere. And he’s powerless to do anything to stop it. Apolo tries to get out on the ice but an official stops him, stops all of them, letting the medics and then JR’s family surround where he still sits on the ice. His face is twisted, his mouth open in a pained grimace, his skin pale. Apolo thinks for a moment that it’s the most open and real expression he’s seen on the younger man’s face since they met. Later, after the ice is resurfaced, and JR comes out of emergency surgery with more than 60 stitches and a prognosis that isn’t exactly optimistic, Apolo lays in his hotel room bed and stares at the ceiling for hours. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.
When the competition is over the next day they all go down to the hospital to see JR. As soon as he’s fit to fly, he’s leaving immediately for Colorado Springs and the Olympic Training Center there to start rehab. He’s made the Olympic team in second place, even after missing the last few races.
Everyone is eager to see him before they all have to leave for SLC, not knowing how long it will be until he’s back training in Utah with the National Team. Apolo, though, isn’t sure he wants to see JR. He doesn’t want to see him doped up or in pain, and he’s a little afraid of how JR will be reacting to all this.
It turns out the good drugs make JR talkative. He greets them all with a big, goofy, but seemingly genuine smile, probing them about the final standings and for information about their travel plans.
Apolo bends down and gives him a hug just like the rest of the guys, then sits in the chair in the corner, the one Sue had recently vacated to give them time to visit with JR alone. JR is pale, blood loss, Apolo’s mind whispers, but he looks happy to see them all, which seems genuine enough. Jordan and Simon are both loud, trying to be supportive and coming off kind of juvenile, but they make JR laugh. Travis and Jeff are quieter, sitting in the corner and laughing along. When the laughter quiets again, it’s Anthony that says something.
“So what do they think about your chances for Vancouver?” he asks quietly. Apolo’s eyes go to JR’s face immediately. It gets really quiet in the room, everyone going silent at the question, all waiting anxiously for the answer. But Apolo doesn’t look around at their teammates and friends. Instead he focuses solely on JR’s facial expression. The smile goes cold and tense. He pushes himself up in the bed, groaning a little at the way the movement tugs at his leg. Then he smiles again and this time it makes Apolo hold back a wince.
“I’m going to be fine for the games. They think 3 months maybe and I’ll be back on the ice. That gives me plenty of time before the Olympics to get back into race shape.” JR says. There’s a look of relief on the faces of the rest of the guys, but Apolo carefully doesn’t react. They all stay for maybe half an hour until they are forced to leave. Most of them flying home or back to Utah later that day. Only Apolo remains. He sits quietly in the corner watching them all go, and soon he’s alone in the room with JR. JR tilts his head back against his pillow, closing his eyes.
“You ok?” Apolo asks, standing up out of the chair and moving closer. JR startles at his voice, jumping in the bed, and letting out a pained groan, reaching for his leg. Apolo rushes over. “Oh, God! JR, fuck, I’m sorry!” Apolo says. JR shakes his head, teeth gritted against the pain, and slowly, carefully, relaxes again. He looks at Apolo in confusion.
“I thought everyone left?” JR says. Apolo shrugs.
“My flight’s not until tomorrow. I’m headed back to Seattle to spend some time with my Dad before heading back to SLC. I didn’t mean to startle you. It’s hurting pretty bad huh?” he asks. JR shrugs, looking away from him, to pick at the blanket. “It’s ok to admit it hurts, JR. It wouldn’t be natural otherwise.”
“It’s not that bad. I can handle it!” JR says a bit defensibly. Apolo smiles at him.
“I never said you couldn’t,” Apolo says quietly. JR seems to deflate back against the pillows. “I know it has to be hurting pretty fucking bad. I know you want to be all manly about it and not admit that it hurts. But take it from someone who ignored injuries and didn’t get them treated when they should have and paid the price. You are injured. If you want it to heal right, and heal as fast as possible you have got to be honest. If the doctors if not with your parents. When you get to Colorado Springs and they start rehab, you have got to be completely honest with them, JR. They can only help you if they know what is really going on with that leg.” Apolo crosses his arms over his chest and stares at JR. After a moment of silence, JR nods, looking up and meeting Apolo’s gaze. He nods again, looking more determined. Apolo smiles. “Good. Now I’m going to head out. I’m sure you’ll be back at the Oval training in no time at all.” JR doesn’t say anything as Apolo picks up his sweat shirt and turns to go. He turns back to face JR in the doorway. “Heal fast,” he says, before turning and walking out.
On to Part 2/2
Pairing: JR Celski/Apolo Anton Ohno
Rating: NC-17
Summary: JR is an excellent liar. So good, even he believes the lies sometimes. But there is one person that can see right through him.
Notes: A plot bunny that would not go away until I wrote it. Thanks to D & C for encouraging me.
JR Celski is an excellent liar. He hadn’t started out that way. He vividly remembers being a little boy and getting into trouble for lying. Badly. He remembers his mother catching him with his hand in the cookie jar and trying futilely to lie his way out of it. He’d been spanked for the transgression and the lies. They’d been blatant after all. He’d been caught with chocolate on his hands and his mouth, sitting up high on the counter, and his hand literally inside the cookie jar. So retrospectively five swats on the ass had sort of been well deserved, and actually kind of a lenient sentence, all things considered. So he hadn’t always been a good liar. It was something that he had learned slowly, over the years.
He grew up with two older brothers. Chris and David were both good guys. Honest and hardworking. But they’d gotten into trouble a lot and both had adapted, learned, how to fib here and there to lessen their punishment. He was young and impressionable when the two of them had hit their teen-years one right after the other. There had been mistruths about missed curfews, and dings to the car’s paint. Arguments over who had broken this dish, or ate the last of that food, or made whichever mess.
Even JR’s parents had lied on occasion. They had never lied about anything really big. Never broken the law or anything like that. But they had lied. They’d told him if he kept making that face it’d freeze that way, that Santa and the Easter Bunny were in fact real, and that swimming was fun, not just good exercise. All lies. He had memories of his mother being nice to Mrs. Banks who lived across the street. She’d been a mean old lady, and JR knew his mother didn’t like her. But every time they passed each other in the supermarket Sue would smile and say hello, and on more than one occasion say something nice about her to a mutual friend. It had been better in Sue’s eyes to lie about liking someone than to be rude or mean.
So, JR had learned that lying had its uses, if done correctly, and for a good reason. JR learned how to lie and when. He doesn’t ever do it maliciously. Mostly he does it to keep the peace, or to not upset people. And sometimes to hide bits of himself he doesn’t want other people to see.
It’s at 12 that he starts to lie about liking girls. He doesn’t. Not really. Well he likes them as friends, as people to hang out with. But while all his friends are starting to notice a girls curves, and growing boobs, JR is noticing other things… about boys. He likes muscular legs, and butts, chests and arms. He won’t admit it, not to anyone but himself, that his first crush is shortly thereafter on Apolo Ohno. He doesn’t tell anyone though. He just pretends like he is just like everyone else. That’s where the lying comes in. He has a girlfriend at 13, another at 14.
So he grows to become a pretty good liar. He doesn’t do it all the time, but he does it often enough to get really really good at it. That it wasn’t hard anymore. No one ever doubts or questions him. At 14 he finally convinces his parents to let him move to Lakewood, to train with Wilma Boomstra. As he’s packing his bags to go, he lies about not being scared to go to so far away without his parents. He pretends for their benefit that he’s perfectly fine with the move, with leaving his friends and family behind and going down there with just Chris to start all over again. The truth is he’s scared shitless but he’s equally afraid that if he shows he’s scared he won’t get to go. Short track is what he wants, more than anything else. If he has to lie to his parents about how he’s feeling to get the training he needs, he’s willing to do that.
But, being away from his parents is much harder than he had imagined. Chris is great, he’s one of JR’s favorite people in the world, and one of his very favorite brothers, but he isn’t a parent. He makes JR do his own laundry, cook a large portion of his own meals, and keep his own schedule. He’s there in California, in the same apartment, but he’s busy with work and having a life of his own too. JR’s lonelier than he had thought he’d be. The training is amazing, exactly how he’d hoped it would be, but harder and more intense than he’d anticipated.
After over a year and a half in California, the load starts to get to be too heavy. The entire time his parents and Chris have carefully monitored how he is doing, trying to be sure he wasn’t taking on too much. But instead they see only what JR wants them to see. Yes he gets lonely, and yes he gets tired. But he’s doing good. He’s skating well, making progress, and winning races. He’s in the honors program at school, gets especially great grades, and hasn’t gotten into much trouble. He’s even made friends in California, in and out of the skating program. But it gets to just be too much to handle. A bad fall in Romania, and suddenly he’s in pain all the time, and there’s no time to take a break. No chance for it to heal, and JR won’t slow down. He adds Physical therapy to his schedule and keeps on going. It is two months later that he can’t keep up with it all. He’s exhausted. It’s too much balancing school, practice, therapy, and taking care of himself. He’s only 15 and eventually he can’t take it anymore. It’s too much pressure. Too much expectation. Everyone believes the lie, even JR had started to believe it, until it gets to the point where he just can’t keep it up any longer. That’s when he has to stop lying about how bad things really are.
The move home is hard. JR wants to go but he wants to stay. He’s made so much progress and he’s doing good in school and at the rink, but he misses his Mom and Dad. He misses the rain, and the green of Washington. The friends he’d had since preschool. And he hurts. Bad. All the time. He doesn’t want to leave Wilma’s training group. But in the end the homesickness, loneliness, and injury win and he moves back to Federal Way.
As soon as he moves home he wishes he hadn’t. It’s great to be back with his friends and family, being taken care of by his mom, and encouraged by his dad. He’s eating better, and back at his school with his old friends, but it’s like he’s out grown it all somehow. After a year away it chafes to be back at home with his parents. He’s got chores again, and a home life dictated by his parents. His Mom nags him about homework, and how late he stays up. His dad is on him about his curfew, and asks constantly where he’s going and when he’ll be back each time he leaves the house. For a year he’d lived with Chris in California, where he took care of himself, and made his own schedule. It’s hard to adjust to it again. And by the end of the first week he’s already longing for the freedom Lakewood had brought.
But he swallows that down. Because each time his mom walks into a room and sees JR sitting there her smile is huge and her eyes sparkle with happiness. JR feels guilty for even thinking it. He knows how hard it had been on the whole family to be split up emotionally and financially. He knows how much it would take to do it all over again, especially so soon after the move home. So he lies again. He tells his parents he’s so happy to be back. He tells them how much he missed them, which is true enough, and how he’s sure he’s made the right decision, which is an outright lie. Back home in Federal Way he has time to heal, to take the time for physical therapy. He’s not training while home. Just school, and family, and fixing the damage he’d done to his back.
That’s enough for a long time. But his back does heal, and he misses the speed of short track so much that it’s less than a year before he’s itching to go back. To appease his parents, he waits until the end of his Junior year to transfer back to California. This time his Dad moves with him. It’s kind of the best of both worlds. He’s got a parent with him, keeping him on track and watching his back, but he’s not being smothered. He’s back at his old school, back in training, back pursuing his dream and for a while JR has few reasons to lie.
He’s still “dating” girls from his school, but never anything serious. So he still lies about being gay. And he still pushes himself too hard and lies about that. He still misses home and his mom, and his brothers, and if not lying about it he definitely downplays how much and how often they’re all on his mind. But with the new balance in his life he feels like there’s not as much of himself that he needs to hide. He graduates from high school, and after a summer of training he finally makes the National team.
Moving to SLC is like moving into a whole new world. There’s no more school. No more parents. No more Coach Wilma. No more beach. No more friends. He’s really and truly alone for the very first time ever. His mom and dad call him every day the first few months to check on him. He always tells them he’s fine. Even when he’s not. He’s on the National team. He’s training against Apolo Anton Ohno every day he goes to the oval. He’s the youngest guy on the team, and everyone keeps looking at him like he’s the next big thing in short track. He lies when he says he’s not scared, not worried, or stressed out. He says it doesn’t bother him when people compare him to Apolo. When they compare their histories, and choices, and achievements. It seems like all that combined means that JR is destined to be just as successful and popular as Apolo has always been.
To compensate for the pressure of being forced into Apolo’s somewhat intimidating shadow, JR starts to pretend like it hasn’t happened at all. He tells people he doesn’t feel the pressure, that there’s no mantle he’s being required to pick up whether he wants it or not. That’s Apolo’s not someone he looks up too just because they’re from the same place. That he looks up to him just like every other young skater does. That it’s no different from how Kyle C and Kyle U, or Simon look up to Apolo. But it is different. JR knows it is. Because he remembers Apolo from when he was a little boy. Because they’d grown up in the same small suburb, skated in-line for the same team at the same rink. They’d started at the same age, for the same reasons. They were both half-Asian, and from Federal Way, WA. And if JR was being completely honest, and JR was rarely if ever completely honest, not even with himself, he’d admit that his first crush at the age of 12 on Apolo had never really gone away. He wants to be him almost as much as he wants to have him for his own. And why wouldn’t he? Apolo is famous, rich, and the best short track skater in USA history. He’s fast, and aggressive on the ice, charming and friendly off the ice. He has a great sense of humor and he shares a lot of JR’s interests and tastes. He’s also beautiful, and his body presses all the right triggers in JR’s head to get him hard in 30 seconds flat. JR’s never reacted so completely or so fast to anyone before. It’s a constant struggle to not let it show that first year. It’s made easier in that to Apolo, JR knows, he’s just a kid Apolo used to know. Competition and teammate and training partner but not necessarily friend.
His skills at diverting attention from himself blossom during that first year in SLC.
It’s easy to hide in plain sight with Jordan Malone around. He’s loud and boisterous and always laughing. It’s a simple matter of sitting behind him laughing at the foolishness. Jordan’s fun, it’s not hard or a burden to be friends with him. And Jordan always diverts attention away from JR, which he feels is always a plus. Add Simon and Travis to the mix, and JR doesn’t have to worry at all about people noticing him or questioning him. He’s the quiet one in the group. He joins in the fun, and the jokes, goes over to play videogames with the guys after practice, and he trains. That’s who he is in SLC, and JR likes it that way. He concentrates on becoming the best short track speed skater he can possibly be. And he succeeds. He makes the worlds team, he goes and wins medal after medal. And he’s happy.
But he doesn’t count on how observant Apolo is. That’s his one big mistake. He underestimates Apolo Anton Ohno. He should really know better.
Apolo Ohno understands the necessity for half truths and lies. He’s been a “celebrity” for 8 years now. He knows what it’s like to be hounded by the press, to have every aspect of your life, real and imagined, aired in the tabloids, and to have every move you make critiqued and speculated over. He understands the drive to keep your personal business personal and that sometimes that necessitates a lie or two, a little mistruth, or a coy smile. He also appreciates that saying every dumb thought that comes into your head in front of the whole world is not only stupid but also counterproductive. So yes, he gets it, the need for lying and deception, especially in places like LA, where everyone seems to have an angle, or in any situation where cameras are involved. He understands. He really does. But that doesn’t mean he has to like it. For Apolo there is his public life and his private life, and in his private life he works to keep things real. Because he’s so high profile, he has to be careful about who he lets into his private circle and who is relegated to the public one. And ever since the Torino Games, and the explosion of popularity that came along with Dancing With The Stars right afterward, the number of new people he’s let into his private circle has been shrinking with each passing year.
At first he has no idea what to do about JR.
JR, Apolo thinks, is an anomaly. Apolo’s pretty good at reading people. It’s part of why he’s such a great competitor. He can read his opponents like a book. A lot of that is instinct, but part of it is practice. He’s a people watcher, and he likes to study his opponents, to try and figure out how their minds work, and how to read what they’re thinking and planning in the lines of their bodies during a race. There’s no time in short track to study someone’s facial expressions and try and figure them out that way. So he learns to study the tenseness of a shoulder, the jerk of a hand, or nod of a head. But JR… JR is strange.
Apolo hears about him before he meets him. The kids racking up medals at Junior events are usually something he tries to pay at least minimal attention too. He’s been through 3 generations of Korean skaters already, so he is acutely aware that there are younger USA skaters moving up behind the older more experienced ones, set to replace them at the first opportunity. He’d once been one of them himself. And it’s good to know what competition you’re facing at home, not just internationally. He doesn’t recognize JR and his name at first. Celski isn’t so uncommon a name as to automatically peak Apolo’s interest. It sounds familiar, but he doesn’t place it right away. He hears about the medal count and skills first. And in his head, Apolo starts to formulate a picture of who this kid must be. Smart, quick witted, confident, and cocky are all part of the idea starting to form in his head.
It’s Jimmy who jogs his memory. He stops Apolo after practice one day in early 2008. He’s smiling and shaking his head.
“Is that the secret to your success? Something they feed you up in Washington? Something in the water?” he asks. Apolo looks at him in confusion and Jimmy laughs. He holds out a CD case with a home burned disc inside.
“What are you talking about, Jimmy? What is this?” he asks.
“I’m hoping he’s our next YOU!” Jimmy laughs. Apolo frowns, looking at the disk. “JR Celski, 17, Federal Way, WA – Boomstra” is written across it in dark blue Sharpie. Jimmy’s still laughing as he turns and walks away.
Apolo takes the disc home with him. He watches it all the way through, then again and again. The kid is good, remarkable really. He’s focused, determined, and completely calm. He’s hard as hell to read. There’s no cockiness to be seen, no haughtiness. It’s footage from the last few Junior Nationals, and the previous months Junior World Championships. Apolo keeps watching it over and over again. One race after another after another. It’s on the third run through that it all clicks in Apolo’s head. At the end of one of the races JR skates over to the wall and waves at two people in the crowd, who jump and wave back. Apolo knows their faces.
Bob and Sue Celski were always great to Apolo. He remembers them fondly from his adolescent years, the last few right before he switched over to ice from inline. He’d been on the same team as their two oldest sons. Chris and David hadn’t been close friends, but they’d hung out a few times, and their family had always been around during practices and competitions. Apolo remembers Sue having made exceptional white chocolate walnut cookies. His eyes go a little wide when he realizes who JR is. It’s hard to reconcile the timid 3 year old he’d first met with the confident teenager he’s just watched race on his computer screen. But when Apolo searches his memory he’s able to recall JR’s face. Brown eyes, brown hair, the dimples. He remembers watching JR race just once on inline. He’d gotten to the competition early, one of the last ones he’d done before dedicating himself to ice, and had caught the “baby races” as the older kids often called them. The 4 and 5 year olds always raced on a half rink, all wearing skates and helmets that seemed way too big for their tiny bodies. Apolo had been bored waiting for his own age group to get called up and had wandered over to watch the little kids compete. He’d been blown away by the winner of the 3rd five year old boy race. JR had skated like he was born for it. He was eager and competitive even at just five years old. He’d also been wickedly fast. Apolo vividly remembers the joy that had shown in his little face as he raced and won that first time. Apolo at 13, had smiled and cheered for him, watching him skate over to his parents for hugs and congratulations. Apolo can easily see that same talent and enthusiasm in the races on the disc. JR, it seems, had grown up, but he hadn’t changed all that much in the process. He was still talented, still wickedly fast, and still competitive.
Apolo keeps the disc, and when Jimmy asks him about JR the next day, Apolo has an answer ready for him.
“He has potential. He seems like a natural, but he needs to work on his starts, and sometimes he looks scared to pass the guys in front of him. But he could be really good. You thinking the Vancouver team?” he asks, stretching his leg up behind him, and pulling upward on his foot. Jimmy nods.
“All true. But I don’t think it’ll take him that long to get on the National team. He turns 18 next summer. I imagine we could see him here in Salt Lake as early as next fall.” Apolo startles at the information and nearly falls over. “Apolo? You ok?” Jimmy asks reaching out to steady him. Apolo releases his leg to stand straight again.
“Yeah, I’m fine. He’ll be 18 already?” he asks. Jimmy nods, still looking concerned. Apolo laughs. “I didn’t realize it had been that long,” he says.
“Apolo, what are you talking about?” Jimmy asks. Apolo smiles brightly.
“I knew him when he was little,” Apolo explains. “I used to skate inline on the same team as his big brothers, Chris and David.”
“Really?” Jimmy asks. “No wonder he lists you as the reason he started. You’re the hometown favorite.” Jimmy walks away laughing again.
Apolo watches him go, shaking his head, and feeling strange. He’d heard it a thousand times it seems since he’d first gone to the Olympics. “I started short track because of you!” It has become a common thing to hear from young skaters just starting out. But this time it seems more real. He’s known JR since he was a little kid. It’s strange to think that JR started because of him. It means more somehow than when it’s a random stranger saying it.
Apolo watches the disc at least once every night for the next few days, and repeatedly over the next few months, on average once or twice a week. Then the following fall JR skates in his first ever American Cup. He finishes 3rd, and earns a spot on the World Cup team. Apolo doesn’t compete. He spends the week in Marquette training. He’d won World Champion the previous spring and had automatically qualified for the team. JR qualifies third behind Jeff Simon and Anthony Lobello. Though he doesn’t compete with the National team until World Cups 5 and 6 the following year, JR moves to SLC just a few weeks after making the U.S. National Team.
Suddenly Apolo is faced with JR Celski live and in person, every single day. It’s a bit hard to adjust too, really.
JR is nothing like Apolo has imagined. Apolo has spent hours upon hours watching the disc. He’s built him up in his head to be a person Apolo could respect if not particularly like. But JR is not cocky or full of himself, or even all that self-confident. He skates with determination, but he’s not aggressive enough, especially not when faced with the national team members. He’s actually kind of shy, reserved. It’s strange how unlike Apolo he really is. Apolo was half expecting JR to show up and be some over the top Mini!Apolo, but he isn’t. Not at all.
JR is quiet. Apolo notices it the first week, the first day even. At first he thinks it’s intimidation, or age, or moving away by himself so young. But it doesn’t go away. Three months in and JR has found a niche. He hangs out with Jordan and Simon primarily, and with Travis when the older man isn’t too wrapped up in his new romance with Aly. He has found a place amongst the chaos of the Oval and has adapted well.
JR’s reactions to Apolo are at times telling and most of the time strange. For the first week JR freezes up each time he comes within 10 feet of Apolo. He tries to keep someone else between them at all times. He stays two mats away during dryland, and at least 1/3 of a lap behind Apolo during ice training. The first time Apolo tries to talk to him, JR’s eyes had gotten real big, and his face had flushed. Then the strangest thing had happened. He’d straightened his shoulders, lifted his chin, and smiled at Apolo like he wasn’t nervous at all. He’d held out a hand and introduced himself. Apolo had watched him curiously for the rest of the day, confused by the contradictions.
JR continues to skate Junior events for the rest of the season, competing in his first two world cups with the National team and medaling twice. He’s good, and he’s getting better and better. At 2009 World Championships a month later, it’s like all of the sudden JR finds his stride, medaling 5 times, more than Apolo does. And Apolo remains fascinated by him. Here’s this kid who lists Apolo as one of his main reasons for switching to ice, who shares so much in common with Apolo, down to even his taste in music, and he barely talks to Apolo at all. It’s Apolo who almost always initiates a conversation. And while Apolo tries not to be too cocky in his own dealing with younger skaters, it kind of freaks him out that JR isn’t acting like they normally do. He’s not following Apolo around, trying to catch his attention. He’s not asking him a thousand questions a day. He’s not asking if they can hang out later. He doesn’t blush and start to giggle when Apolo tells him he’s done a good job, or offers encouragement. It just doesn’t gel in Apolo’s head. If he’s JR’s skating idol, which JR has admitted in several interviews, than why doesn’t he seem to want to have anything to do with Apolo? It’s something that should stop Apolo from counting JR among his private circle. But JR’s a teammate if nothing else, and Apolo can’t see him as something outside of their little skating community. JR is confusing at best, and contradictory at worst.
To be honest, and Apolo is always nothing but honest with himself, it makes him even more interested in trying to figure JR out. Apolo backs off from trying to get to know him better until the end of the season. Instead he starts watching JR more. He’s known for being quiet and observant when the mood strikes him, and he’s not overly obvious about it, so JR doesn’t seem to catch on. But Apolo does start to notice some peculiar things about the younger man.
For instance: JR takes a joke better than anyone Apolo’s ever known. To be friends with Jordan Malone you have to have a pretty raunchy sense of humor, and if not that, the patience and the ability to not let Maloney’s drive you nuts. Jordan can be over the top, even taking things a bit too far sometimes. And a lot of the time his humor and jokes are directed at his friends. He doesn’t let anything embarrassing slide by without comment. JR however never gets upset. He takes the jibes and the teasing with a smile and a tilt of the head, and sometimes a roll of the eyes. But he never says anything back in anger or frustration. He never loses his temper, or complains. He doesn’t snap at Jordan, or tell him to knock it off. He just takes it with a smile. Instead JR usually diverts Jordan’s attention to something else soon after. It’s always subtle, but he manages to get Jordan to refocus on something that isn’t JR within just a few minutes. It’s masterful really. But it’s JR’s physical reaction that gives him away to Apolo. It takes a bit of careful study before Apolo catches JR’s tells. There’s a tightening in JR’s shoulders, a straightening in JR’s back. He smiles, but it fades faster than normal and it doesn’t quite spread as wide or full across his face. He’s genuinely bothered by what Jordan has said, but he doesn’t let Jordan, or anyone else see it. Apolo wonders if anyone else, besides himself has ever noticed.
Once Apolo has spotted this first quirk of JR’s it’s like he suddenly can’t STOP noticing them. One after another.
JR professes to like any and all types of music. Sure he has his favorites, but he refuses to “dislike” a genre of music no matter what. But he really, Apolo has decided, hates country music. Well not ALL country music. JR seems to favor the more rock or even pop-like country songs. But Apolo’s watched him when it’s Ryan’s turn to pick the music to play during a dryland session and honky-tonk country starts wailing out of the stereo system. While the rest of the team groans and moans and whines about the choice of music, JR just grins at Ryan, who always looks vaguely hurt at the group reaction, and goes back to stretching out his hamstrings. But Apolo watches the muscles in his back get tighter and tighter instead of loosening and relaxing as they’re supposed too. JR always skates badly on those days. Apolo knows it’s the music that’s the culprit.
JR hates mushrooms. Once a month Apolo and the team sneak off for a clandestine dinner of smuggled pizza and real soda and/or beer. It’s their one luxury in the year leading into the Olympics Games. JR gets dragged along by Jordan for the first time after World Championships. He’s a real member of the National team now. He’d done them all proud in Austria and earned the right to indulge with the rest of them. But Jordan, in typical Jordan fashion, gets there late. They hold their “non-existent” pizza party at a different place each time to avoid being caught and it’s at Travis’s place the first time that JR comes along. By the time they get there most of the pizza has been divided up. All that is really left is three pieces of the olive/mushroom/tomato/pineapple concoction that Katherine always makes them get. Apolo secretly suspects she gets it because she knows few others would want any and that meant more pizza for her. There are also two full pieces of sausage and pepperoni with green pepper, but that’s it. Jordan of course claims seniority and snatches up the meaty pizza. JR accepts two slices of the Reutter Special from her with a smile and a thank you. While everyone is munching, gossiping, and moaning in cheesy greasy ecstasy, JR eats slowly. He’s even quieter than normal, and Apolo watches him nondescriptly picking small brown lumps out of his pizza and hiding them in his napkin.
One month later and JR gets there last again, held after practice by Jimmy for some small, probably trivial, matter. When he shows up he finds that again the only pizza left is Kat’s. Apolo, stretched out on the end of his own leather couch chewing on a piece of heavenly good veggie lovers pizza, watches the muscles in JR’s jaw twitch for just a second and his back goes kind of stiff. But he smiles and says thanks and slumps down on the other end of the couch to once more start picking out the mushrooms.
Apolo wonders what it must be like to never show when you dislike something, to always be polite, and to never cause trouble. The more he starts to understand JR, the more he starts to worry about the younger man.
The rest of the summer passes quickly. Training picks up, goals are set and reached and reset, and Apolo’s focus turns more and more with each passing day to Vancouver. But he can’t stop paying attention to JR. He can’t get away from him really. He’s at every practice, and every official workout. Apolo just keeps noticing him and he just keeps picking up on more little cues that things aren’t right with JR.
Apolo isn’t nervous at Olympic Trials. It’s his fourth time he’s gone to Olympic trials, and he’d made the team three times. He’s more physically fit and ready than ever before and he goes in still ranked number one in the US. He’s not worried about making the team. Instead he goes in eager to see which of the guys will be going with him. It’s close for the first few days. The only member of the team Apolo’s not worried about is JR, who is kicking ass and taking names. Apolo even starts to get a bit nervous that he might be usurped by the kid when tragedy strikes.
In the 500 semi-final JR takes the turn too wide and his skate slips. For Apolo, waiting in the heat box to race in the next semi, it’s like the next 60 seconds happens in slow motion. He watches JR slide across the ice, hitting the wall face first, knees bent. Apolo knows it’s going to be bad even before he hits, legs twisted, bouncing off the pads and sliding out into the middle of the track on his hip. JR sits up, reaching down, and all Apolo can see is red; red on the ice, on JR’s hands, on his suit, and on his skate blade. It’s everywhere. And he’s powerless to do anything to stop it. Apolo tries to get out on the ice but an official stops him, stops all of them, letting the medics and then JR’s family surround where he still sits on the ice. His face is twisted, his mouth open in a pained grimace, his skin pale. Apolo thinks for a moment that it’s the most open and real expression he’s seen on the younger man’s face since they met. Later, after the ice is resurfaced, and JR comes out of emergency surgery with more than 60 stitches and a prognosis that isn’t exactly optimistic, Apolo lays in his hotel room bed and stares at the ceiling for hours. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.
When the competition is over the next day they all go down to the hospital to see JR. As soon as he’s fit to fly, he’s leaving immediately for Colorado Springs and the Olympic Training Center there to start rehab. He’s made the Olympic team in second place, even after missing the last few races.
Everyone is eager to see him before they all have to leave for SLC, not knowing how long it will be until he’s back training in Utah with the National Team. Apolo, though, isn’t sure he wants to see JR. He doesn’t want to see him doped up or in pain, and he’s a little afraid of how JR will be reacting to all this.
It turns out the good drugs make JR talkative. He greets them all with a big, goofy, but seemingly genuine smile, probing them about the final standings and for information about their travel plans.
Apolo bends down and gives him a hug just like the rest of the guys, then sits in the chair in the corner, the one Sue had recently vacated to give them time to visit with JR alone. JR is pale, blood loss, Apolo’s mind whispers, but he looks happy to see them all, which seems genuine enough. Jordan and Simon are both loud, trying to be supportive and coming off kind of juvenile, but they make JR laugh. Travis and Jeff are quieter, sitting in the corner and laughing along. When the laughter quiets again, it’s Anthony that says something.
“So what do they think about your chances for Vancouver?” he asks quietly. Apolo’s eyes go to JR’s face immediately. It gets really quiet in the room, everyone going silent at the question, all waiting anxiously for the answer. But Apolo doesn’t look around at their teammates and friends. Instead he focuses solely on JR’s facial expression. The smile goes cold and tense. He pushes himself up in the bed, groaning a little at the way the movement tugs at his leg. Then he smiles again and this time it makes Apolo hold back a wince.
“I’m going to be fine for the games. They think 3 months maybe and I’ll be back on the ice. That gives me plenty of time before the Olympics to get back into race shape.” JR says. There’s a look of relief on the faces of the rest of the guys, but Apolo carefully doesn’t react. They all stay for maybe half an hour until they are forced to leave. Most of them flying home or back to Utah later that day. Only Apolo remains. He sits quietly in the corner watching them all go, and soon he’s alone in the room with JR. JR tilts his head back against his pillow, closing his eyes.
“You ok?” Apolo asks, standing up out of the chair and moving closer. JR startles at his voice, jumping in the bed, and letting out a pained groan, reaching for his leg. Apolo rushes over. “Oh, God! JR, fuck, I’m sorry!” Apolo says. JR shakes his head, teeth gritted against the pain, and slowly, carefully, relaxes again. He looks at Apolo in confusion.
“I thought everyone left?” JR says. Apolo shrugs.
“My flight’s not until tomorrow. I’m headed back to Seattle to spend some time with my Dad before heading back to SLC. I didn’t mean to startle you. It’s hurting pretty bad huh?” he asks. JR shrugs, looking away from him, to pick at the blanket. “It’s ok to admit it hurts, JR. It wouldn’t be natural otherwise.”
“It’s not that bad. I can handle it!” JR says a bit defensibly. Apolo smiles at him.
“I never said you couldn’t,” Apolo says quietly. JR seems to deflate back against the pillows. “I know it has to be hurting pretty fucking bad. I know you want to be all manly about it and not admit that it hurts. But take it from someone who ignored injuries and didn’t get them treated when they should have and paid the price. You are injured. If you want it to heal right, and heal as fast as possible you have got to be honest. If the doctors if not with your parents. When you get to Colorado Springs and they start rehab, you have got to be completely honest with them, JR. They can only help you if they know what is really going on with that leg.” Apolo crosses his arms over his chest and stares at JR. After a moment of silence, JR nods, looking up and meeting Apolo’s gaze. He nods again, looking more determined. Apolo smiles. “Good. Now I’m going to head out. I’m sure you’ll be back at the Oval training in no time at all.” JR doesn’t say anything as Apolo picks up his sweat shirt and turns to go. He turns back to face JR in the doorway. “Heal fast,” he says, before turning and walking out.
On to Part 2/2
